Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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