she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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