Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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