She went from zero to smokin in five shots
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
