My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my being single is dangerous.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
