just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
