pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
