You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
