This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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