All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
