so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
