he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
