I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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