Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
