My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
