My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
