My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
