probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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