I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
