i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
