Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
