After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
