so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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