After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
