How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize