i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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