I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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