I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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