He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize