Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
