The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
