Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize