Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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