My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
