When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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