I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
