I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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