im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
