You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize