the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
