well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
