i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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