So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize