I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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