Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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