We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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