My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
