well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
