guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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