Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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