walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize