Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Drake has all the answers
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
