Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
