R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
is wine microwaveable?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize