my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
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