Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
