Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
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