He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
