12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
