Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
