our cab driver is having phone sex.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
