i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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