when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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